I haven't been this sober since birth.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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