I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
