Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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