I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
