Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
