I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
