textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
