so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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