morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
