i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
