just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Come see our sink grown plant.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
