I cannot find my penis.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
