Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
