I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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