I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
