thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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