i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
