Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
