Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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