I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I need to wash the frat house off of me
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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