If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
