blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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