I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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