my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
