im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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