DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize