Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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