i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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