I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Boobs speak an international language.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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