Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
there is puke in my bra ... again
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
