why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
