I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize