My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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