i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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