Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
