her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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