I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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