Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
sex in a hospital.. check
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
