Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
