onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
