weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
being pregnant is like rehab
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize