i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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