Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
