Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
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