girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
