I faked an abortion last night.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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