I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
