If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
