well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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