i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
