hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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