would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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