captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
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