The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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