I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
