Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
