are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Randomize
